I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Randomize
