I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
You ruined the universe
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
