my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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