Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Randomize
