This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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