I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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