U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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