i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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