drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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