im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
