Don't you send me to vm
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Randomize
