I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Randomize