9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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