So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
