apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
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