I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
