Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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