i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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