I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
