I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
