he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Randomize
