Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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