Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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