that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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