I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
