i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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