like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
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