I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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