if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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