:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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