He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize