How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
This beer is not sobering me up at all
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Randomize
