Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
