Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
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