I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
