shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Randomize
