I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
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