Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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