is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Randomize
