shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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