The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
