Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
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