She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
