I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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