Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
It was a blind-side dick pic.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
