My girlfriend figured out who you are.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
