I'm gonna have a badass scar
id be glad to
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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