Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
