At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
