Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
