well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize