chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
