Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
