so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
