let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
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