I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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