Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
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