I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
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