Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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