her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
