He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
