My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
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