Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
You need a sexual gate keeper
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
