she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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